Onto the Next

I graduated college last week, and I feel terrible. Sort of. It’s a weird sensation to no longer be obligated to school, which I think is a thing we seldom discuss. I’ve been in school for 16 years. On every break I've had, I've known with certainty I'd be back to an educational routine in no time. I've been prepared for this moment my whole life, or at least I thought. Then all of a sudden, I’m just done. I don’t think it helps that my day of completion felt like a very unceremonious event. I sound ungrateful. I’m incredibly grateful. But it kind of just ended. I didn’t wear a cap or gown, and I didn’t walk across a stage - I had a little too much red wine, shakily made a speech about my senior capstone while standing on a chair in four-inch stilettos, cried to my parents in relief, and had an always marvelous dinner at ABC Cocina with my parents and best friends. I suppose it was ceremonious, but not in the way I ever expected, although things hardly ever do turn out the way you think they will. 

So, it ended, is my point. I am done with furthering my education for the foreseeable future (I missed grad school application deadlines/I actually don’t really want to go anymore), and the real tummy twister is that I don’t have a job. Yet. I’m trying to remain hopeful. Every single second of the last week, I have had incurable, debilitating angst, constantly feeling like I haven’t been doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I’m supposed to be preparing for my first job, or have interviews lined up, or even have a general fucking clue about what direction I want to go in. Alas, I do not. I am fortunate to have the support of my parents, and I am not spiraling towards impending doom at this very moment, but the support of my parents has always given me a perpetual feeling of guilt. 

I want and am eager for my life to be my own and to no longer be the financial burden that I am to my parents, although they would never say that to you, nor do they feel that way (I hope). I just want this waiting period to jump cut quickly. Where I grew up, it is typical and expected to have a job lined up for after graduation, and if you don’t, you’re looked down upon. And, like, I don’t know if they’re right about that or not. I’m unsure how to feel okay with not having a job and not being on the lifelong journey of fulfilling my career. I don’t know what to say to people when they ask what I’m doing now that I’ve graduated; I kind of just flounder and overcompensate, then go on a tangent—it’s really fucking awful. I reckon I’m embarrassed. Then people will usually say, with a pitiful tone, “Oh well, it takes time, don’t worry.” I’m pretty sure they’re lying to me to make me feel better. 

I’m not experiencing any feelings of depression; I wake up, I get dressed, I do things, but I think all the time. I think, then I feel guilty, cringe about random moments from my past, and then worry. Which is frustrating because I was certain I would be absolved of all my turmoil once I graduated. That’s how I feel. I’m not going to go on about how I’ve suffered the last six months and had a hard time, because usually that would lead me to some sort of resolution-related conclusion, but even excusing my present due to my past will not sort out the way I am feeling. I think I just have to keep applying to jobs and waiting, but that stinks. One day, this will all feel trivial, and I will hardly remember this brief stint of terrifying unemployment — that I know, but I do not have a remedy for the current moment. Just know, if you’re in a similar position, we’re in it together - and if you have a job, enjoy it, bitch. Just kidding, I am elated for you!!!

Luckily, now that I have an ass load of free time, you’ll be reading more from me if you want.  

Love always,

Daniela